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Chapter Seven: Megamounts
By DC Green | 23 August 2009 |
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Page 1 of 2
 ‘Whoa… head rush!’ Crusty Carl staggered around our motel room, smoke billowing out his ears. ‘I shouldn’t have downloaded so much info in one bloody hit! Farken brain-implants!’ ‘What’s the plot summary, huh?’ I amped. ‘See for your bloody self!’ Carl tore back the curtains, revealing the mightiest mountain range in the R-U Sirius Galaxy. ‘Most of those peaks poke out of the farken atmosphere into bloody space! When the snow melts every spring, rivers lunge through steep-walled valleys, attractin’ kamikazee river-surfers.’ Carl rubbed his brain. ‘What else? The Megamounts locals are alien elves and the native delicacy is an alcoholic fungus that causes hallucinations and brain cancer.’ Drool beaded on Carl’s chin. ‘And the contest?’ Carl squinted. ‘The Megamounts Surf War is run by Soulcell, who sponsor Amoebus. The defendin’ champ is Dolphin Bloke. Last year, 25 contestants died – 17 of them killed by that farken Darth Staker. Great Nuey, you should see the footage in my brain. The bloody ’bot bloke went into a killin’ frenzy!’ I muttered, ‘I’ve seen enough of Darth’s kill frenzies for one lifetime. And three reincarnations.’ ‘Oh yeah… Annie.’ Carl coughed. ‘Anyway, the contest itself is basically a whacky farken race down 30 plungin’ kays. There are no heats and just two rules. Surfers can’t use motorized surfboards or shoot other surfers. But they can kill in any other way: punch, kick, bite, squash, stab, strangle, drown, impale, run down, electrocute, burn or chainsaw. You know, the usual. Points are allocated in the standard way: 1200 for first, 1000 for second, 800 for third, 600 for fifth, 400 for ninth, 200 for 17th and 50 for equal 33rd (last). Surfers get scored when they cross the finish line, whether they’re alive, unconscious or dead. Surfers who fail to finish get no points and 1,000 Yen towards a bloody funeral.’ Carl spat. ‘Generous.’ * * *
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