Pain… Pain meant I was alive!

My eyes peeled open. Grit crackled. In the next hospital bed, Annie flashed me a thumbs up. Blood drained from her arm into mine.

I smiled. ‘We gotta stop… meeting like this.’ Straps bit my skin.

Reading the confusion in my eyes, Doctor Duckerina frowned. ‘Darth Staker sliced off your arm. You would have died in space, but Catbird wrapped you in a dimension-jumping belt and transported you here.’

‘Why am I strapped?’ I freaked slightly. ‘You afraid I’d wake and go on a grrrulk rampage? Don’t you know I’m arm-less! Get it?’

Doc Duck sighed. ‘I have reattached your arm. The straps are to stop you waving like a fool, as is your tendency. Your arm might fly off, and damage one of my machines.’

‘I’m two-armed again? WOO! Then I can surf?’

‘Not for a month.’ Doc Duck quacked. ‘Or you’ll be a one-armed bandit!’

‘But I have to compete–’

‘You have to rest. If you try sneaking out, I’ll personally blast you with my bladder-disruptor!’ Doc Duck waved her bulbous gun. ‘Just like the Surf Wars, this hospital operates under full Kill Rules!’ She quacked off.

I muttered and turned to Annie. ‘Thanks for the blood.’

Annie winked. ‘Just returning the loan, bro’.’

‘Guess I came last in the contest, huh?’

‘Equal last.’ Annie nodded. ‘Mechanical surfers claimed the top points. But, unlike 15 other competitors, at least you’re alive. Darth Staker killed nine himself and… cough… won the contest.’

I groaned. ‘And the ratings?’

Annie zapped on the holo-TV. ‘Wonder if it’s time for The Young and the Robot?’

‘Annie!’

She sighed and hit pause. ‘You’ve slipped to sixth place: 2,350 points behind Staker.’

I groaned louder. ‘You’ve gotta help me escape! If I’m gonna win the title, I can’t afford to miss a contest!’

‘Maybe there’s another way...’ Annie’s voice lowered. ‘We’re identical twins. Even have the same DNA. If I cropped my hair and styled it into death by electrocution–’

‘You mean… pretend to be me?’

‘Why not?’ Annie rose, and so did her voice. ‘I’m as good a surfer as you, and ten times the competitor. If you can win a surf war, I can blitz one!’

‘Probably… But it’d be dangerous–’

‘So’s wrestling a crack vending machine, but that didn’t stop Crusty Carl, who’s in the next hospital room.’ Annie scoffed. ‘True, last time I competed, Darth Staker played noughts and crosses with my intestines. But I’ve watched a lot of heats since, and I’ve got a plan. You and I are heavier than normal humans – like, a lot heavier. With our super-dense muscles, we’re also much stronger. I don’t think Staker has realised that. I’m not even sure you have.’

‘But… if you got hurt surfing in my place, I’d feel guilty forever–’

‘Just… don’t.’ Annie snorted. ‘I was returning to competition anyway – with my handy 800 points. But you’ve got a handier 3,650 points. You’re the one with the long shot at the title! At freeing our planet! A goal I actually admire. I… just wanted to help.’ Annie smiled sweetly.

‘Not the sweet smile… Arrgh! Okay, take my place – before I change my mind!!’ I chortled. ‘You’re the best insane twin bitch slut in the world! Um, what world are we in, anyway?’

‘We’re in Hell,’ Annie cackled evilly. ‘Haven’t you noticed?’

The Great Twin Swap Swindle was a secret shared only between me, Annie, Carl, Catbird and key Ripaquikbong staff. Doc Duck dimension-jumped me to a secret hospital on Duckworld, hidden in the pocket dimension inside her professor-husband’s ear-phone. Yep, I’m still figuring that one out.

Annie hacked her hair, bound her breasts, pulled on my clothes and checked into my Ripaquikbong Hell suite. She even wore the latest vid-sunnies that recorded everything she looked at and sent an untrackable vid-feed direct to my holo-TV. When she turned to her mirror, I mean my mirror, I uttered just one word.

‘Scary!’

I clicked Off and turned to Catbird, lying snugly beside me. ‘I’m bummed I can’t check out Hell.’

Catbird shrugged. ‘Once you’ve seen one underground soul auction in a boiling sulphur pit, you’ve seen them all.’

‘Catbird, I just… wanted to say… thanks. For saving me. And… you know. I thought you weren’t going to compete.’

‘Changed my mind.’ Catbird shrugged and frowned. ‘Doc said I can’t kiss you or even jerk you off.’

‘I’m bummed about that too.’

Catbird wheeled my bed into the hospital courtyard. Stars flickered secret codes across the sky.

‘Hard to believe we’ve surfed up there,’ I said. ‘And that humans have explored all those specks.’

‘They haven’t explored one per cent of one per cent of one per cent of the 100 billion stars that make up the Milky Way Galaxy!’ Catbird giggled. ‘Just the bits where worm-holes lead. We still know nothing about whole space quadrants.’

‘So there could be planets of alien surfers who’ve never even heard of the Cosmic Surf Wars? With, I dunno… maroon oceans and gigantic jellyfish scrolled across the sky?’ I smiled when Catbird nodded. ‘For some reason, that makes me feel better.’ I patted her arm. ‘Um… how do you know all this stuff?’

‘When I get bored, I eat brain-chips.’

I thought of the chip-chomping Crusty Carl. We hadn’t spoken since he’d warned me to avoid Catbird. He reckoned she’d just distract me from my mission. He was… possibly right. Catbird distracted the pants off me… so to speak.

‘How’d you get your name?’ I flipped to humour mode. ‘Wouldn’t being called Catbird be like me being called Human… fella?’

‘Why do you want to know that?’ Catbird’s voice flared. ‘Do you show interest out of guilt? Because I saved you? I know that, to human eyes, I am a freak!’

‘Whoa. I show interest because… I’m interested. I just get a bit nervous sometimes. You can be more intimidating than ten-metre Toxic Teahupoo!’

Catbird giggled musically, though I was kind-of serious. ‘I will tell you a story.’ She curled up at the foot of my bed. ‘Once upon a time, surf company scientists were ordered to create the ultimate biological surfer, to challenge the rise of mechanical surfers.’

‘By biological, you mean… living?’

‘Yes, Einstein-clone.’ Catbird clapped. ‘In their company labs, the Hellish scientists spliced together different human-animal-alien genetic combinations. Hundreds of thousands died with horrible mutations. Of the survivors, few could paddle a board, let alone carve on one.’ Catbird paused. ‘Since Darth Staker killed poor Ratfish on Macho, I am officially the last experiment breathing.’ She shrugged. ‘So there is no Catbird planet. No Catbird people. No family for Catbird. No birthday. There’s just… me.’

‘Catbird…’ Stupid straps! How could I hug her? Stupid Ripaquik–

‘ARRGH!’ Company nannites zapped my brain so hard, I passed out.

On the holo-TV, Annie’s diamond-skinned board carved from rail to rail, showering lava. Vid-droids exploded in her wake.

‘Don’t worry.’ Catbird snuggled against my good side. ‘If Annie falls, her lava-suit will hold for 15 seconds.’

Annie didn’t fall. She smashed from round to round. She did everything right: pick the best sets; mix her manoeuvres; go hard; stay alive. When Vonnegut attacked her in Round Three, Annie calmly smashed the warbot off his board with her shield and rode on to victory. I chortled. Now my competitive twin was even beating me at being me!

Not that I was griping. My rare break from training and competing meant I could just… be. It felt good. Really good. Especially with Catbird’s warmth radiating through my system like party nannites.

I had no idea my days in that hospital bed would be the high tide mark of my life, the calm before the super-typhoon.

Art: Pat Grant

NEXT: ANNIE VERSUS DARTH!