Top Joke

[DUDE]

This geezer is sitting reading his Sun newspaper when the wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the head with a frying pan.

What was that for?" he says. "That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pockets with the name Mary-Ellen written on it," she replies. "Don't be daft," he explains, "two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary-Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on." She seems satisfied at this and apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.

Three days later he's again sitting in his chair reading when she nails him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him out cold. When he comes around, he says, what the hell was that for?"

"Your ****ing horse phoned!"
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Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'


'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'


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[DUDE]

HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:


Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
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Julia Gillard was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car. Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop. Julia in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead but it was old.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Julia

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.
'My God, what happened to you?' asks Julia
The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Julia

'I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the old cow.'
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.

She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps..

He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.

As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla.

Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy.

He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand.

He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.

He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now.... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now. Tell him you have a headache.
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[DUDE]

A Irish man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth???"

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The Human Body!


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).

The average man's private area is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's...

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

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[DUDE]

Dave is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went." His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says,

"Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good," sighs Dave, "your brother's 103 years old. He can't help."

"He may be 103," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Dave heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Dave.

"I don't remember."
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A stockman from North Queensland attends a social function
where Prime Minister Julia is speechifying.

Clearly the stockman was not paying much attention,
yackking with those closest and even quite far away.

Julia endeavoured to attract his interest with slower single syllable words.

As she was doing that, she kept swatting at
some flies that were buzzing around her head.

The stockman says, "Yer havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

Julia stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called,
but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well ma'am," the stockman replies, "Circle flies hang around
these parts a lot. They're called circle flies because they're almost
always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," Julia replies and resumes rambling.

But, a moment later she stops and bluntly asks,
"Are you calling me a horse's arse?"


"No, ma'am," the stockman replies,
"I have too much respect for the citizens of this country
to call their Prime Minister a horse's arse."

"Thank you for that respectful explanation," Julia responds
and resumes rambling once more.

And the stockman adds slowly ...



"Hard to fool them flies, though."
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[DUDE]

A fella gets marooned on a deserted tropical island with Elle McPherson. She is his absolute dream woman so naturally he has a crack at chatting her up, but is rejected.

This goes on for a few months but eventually with no chance of rescue she gives in and says she's horny, so why not.

They do it every night for months, in every imaginable position and it is awesome for him. A dream come true.

One night he says to her "hey, you know that suitcase that washed up from the wreckage? It has clothes in it and I want you to dress up for me."
She agrees and he says "well it is guy's clothes but that it part of the thing I want you to do. Dress up like a man. Really manly looking"

She begrudgingly agrees, thinking it is really weird. After dressing up as a man, Elle says "OK so you wanna do it?"

The fella says "No, just walk down the beach"

She walks off and every time she looks back, he says "Don't look back at me, just keep walking"

Elle thinks it is really weird but keeps walking.

After about 30sec the guy starts running after her. Once he catches her...

He says "Mate! Mate! You will never guess who I'm f^&*ing!!!!!"
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A train hits a bus-load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are all trying to enter heaven via the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any
contact with a penis?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched one with the
tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water
and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you
ever had any contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant
but replies, "Well once I held one." St. Peter says,

"OK,dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the
gate."

Suddenly there is a commotion in the line, one girl is pushing her way
to the front.

St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do
it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it.

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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration...



'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles..

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.'


The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
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[DUDE]

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral $ex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 am.
and is asked where he is going at
this time of night.
The man relies,
"I am going to a lecture about alcohol
abuse and the effects it has on the human body".
The officer then asks,
"Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies,
"My wife."
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[DUDE]

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works.


My wife turned to me and said, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still fucking celebrating!"
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In a recent survey into blowjobs,and why men like it so much,
6% liked the feeling
12% liked the excitement
and,
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82% just liked the fucking silence

[DUDE]

One day a man goes for a long walk in the country, after a while he comes upon a man working in a field.
He calls out to the man, "excuse me, can you tell me how long it will take to get to the next town?"
The man in the field just stares at him and says nothing, after a moment the man just shrugs his shoulders and keeps walking.
After he gets a few hundred meters away suddenly the man in the field yells out, "about half an hour"
The man turns around and says, "thank you, but why didn't you answer me when I first asked you?"
The man in the field says, "I didn't know how fast you walked"

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wo Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me . We're the same age, We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politician s, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament
House.'

'Same here. Hmm.....How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
the car door, and then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out
of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the ****
out of a Politician there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.


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A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colours she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream colour."

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!"

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose colour. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!"

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the colour I would like the room?"

The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying grass across the street."
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[DUDE]

I was sitting with Fat Agnes when she passed away,so I rang 000.
The guy asked me where to send the ambulance to pick her up,
I replied "that we were on Eucalyptus drive"
the guy then ask if I could spell that for him,
after a bit of a pause,

I said "I will drag the fat bitch over to bay rd and you can pick her up there"

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I came home the other day, and the wife has left a note on the fridge saying

"This is just not working anymore, it has been bad for too long. I am sorry but I just have to leave, I will be staying at my Mothers"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold. I dunno what the hell she was on about....

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[DUDE]

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I'll show you how to do it."
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A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, “I did some schoolwork.” The robot slaps the son.
The son says, “Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies.”

Dad asks, “What movie did you watch?”

Son says, “Toy Story.” The robot slaps the son, again.
Son says, “Ok, Ok we were watching porn.”

Dad says, “What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!”

The robot slaps the father.

Mom laughs and says, “Well he certainly is your son!”

The robot slaps the mother!

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A flat chested young woman goes to the doctor to see about a breast enlargement. The doctor tells her that she can get the same result if every morning she pumps her arms in and out as says the rhyme, "Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as snow, if I do this every day my breasts are sure to grow"

So religiously every morning before she leaves for work she pumps her arms and repeats the rhyme. Things are looking great and her breasts are showing signs of growing.

One morning she wakes up late and rushes out to catch the train, worried that if she misses just one day all the good results will be lost, she proceeds to perform her morning exercises on the Train, pumping her arms she says "Mary had a little lamb it's fleece was white as snow, if I do this every day my breasts are sure to grow".

As she finishes a man walks up to her and says, "you see doctor Brown don't you"? The woman says "why yes how did you know"? The man squats up and down and says.... "Hickory dickory dock..........."
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