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Dave Sparkes casts a sage’s eye over some of surfing’s bigger questions. |
Mickey Bruneau measures the width of a Pipeline pit from within. Pic: Sparkes
In a series of blogs aptly titled ‘Bright Sparkes’ and ‘Dark Sparkes’ Tracks veteran photo/journalist, Dave Sparkes casts a sage’s eye over some of surfing’s bigger questions. Sparkes is often wise, frequently witty and never afraid to venture into the darker side of our pleasurable past time. In this first installment, he examines the often underestimated complexity of surfing intelligence. Luke Kennedy, EditorTracks Magazine
DARK SPARKES: Male Ego and the Three Foot Wave
In the folklore of the North Shore of Oahu, unanimous big wave Mecca and meeting place of the Surf Gods, there have been two distinct epochs. There were The Lost Years, a time of virtual pre-history (in as much as it was pre any written history, so is to a large extent speculative) when Hawaiians surfed the North Shore on alais and olos, and top shelf breaks like Sunset (originally Paumalu) were reserved for royalty under pain of death. Then there were The Renaissance Years, from about the late ’40’s – when pioneers like Wally Froiseth, George Downing, Woody Brown and others began venturing out to the badlands of the North Shore – to the present.
No time for Mada Sudana to run a string line off the cliffs and get an exact height reading here. Pic: Sparkes
And at some point early in this latest epoch, a funny thing began to happen, something which has reverberated and multiplied and spread amongst our tribe to become almost a farce: the epidemic condition of under calling wave size.
Back near the beginning of that second North Shore era, the Big Wave Men began to call waves- huge waves – as being smaller and smaller than they really were. The theory is that they were trying to freak out the hordes of Californian blow-ins who were beginning to arrive to check out, if not make an impression on, the scene. But really they were driving in the thin end of a very sad and lame wedge, which has become a giant lever of ridiculous bravado. Even in relatively normal surfer consciousness, the standard practice of under calling wave height – and let’s face it boys, we all do it to one extent or another – is really pretty silly. But in some circles it is starting to become utterly ludicrous.
Three foot at its apex, but one foot on the shoulder, another confusing wave scenario to call. Pic: Sparkes
Ok I know, this isn’t profound, world saving stuff, I’m not saving the oceans or rescuing babies from famines, it’s just a bit of a poke at us surfers, because we do sometimes take ourselves a bit seriously. Sure we indulge in more or less harmless fun, half our luck, but we’re not always as evolved and forward thinking as we like to think, what with our vibe of ocean awareness and our gloating over the wonderful aesthetic of our domain and how beautiful surfing is. Truthfully, a lot of us are selfish and are not really the sharpest tools in the shed. But this little piece is really touching on ego and denial, at least regarding wave height.
I’ll put it in a nutshell – (and I’m not even gonna attempt to describe how big the nutshell is, I’m too scared I’ll get written off for over estimating the size!) – I don’t know what a three foot wave is anymore! I have no idea whatsoever, and I’ve been surfing for 40 years! If someone tells me the surf is three foot, and I don’t happen to know this person intimately, I have no remote clue of how big it actually is. In my experience of different surfers around the world, the scope of what three foot (or any size really, this is just an arbitrary number for argument’s sake) covers ranges from waist high to double overhead! Ha ha! It is just hilarious, some of these clowns that call themselves surfers are just fruity imbeciles. Essentially, they are wusses, terrified of being derided for over stating size. And they give their own fear away every time they make a stupid call on wave height.
No surfer? No yard stick. Mexico mongrel. Pic: Sparkes
So evolves the Dark Sparkes Chart of Coward’s Surf Calling. Basically, this is a formula that states:
“The greater the difference between the actual, measurable wave face height and the lesser, stated height as claimed by the observer, the more terrified the actual observer is of the opinions of others”.
So in effect, these knuckleheads are building themselves up by knocking the wave down, at least figuratively. And as for taking the back of a wave to use as a scale? Well I mean really fellas, it’s not like you look at the back of a clock to tell the time, so what’s wrong with just describing the height of the wave face? Take Teahupoo for example. That place, when it’s serious, is so thick that if you applied the back of the wave method, a twenty foot high beast would still be only technically a two foot wave. That would make a lot of us hell men scared of two foot surf.
Drew Courtney taking a foot off the top. Pic: Sparkes
Stuff it, let’s drop the sad egos and just get on with it, it’s becoming so lame I can’t even state numbers anymore, I just do the head high, overhead, double overhead, etc, scale. At least that is a reasonably universal system that even the coolest dudes can decipher.
Any thoughts?
