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“Happy holidays, Col” read the card. America’s inability to man up and save Christmas from the politically correct is officially seeping into the Australian consciousness like putrid garbage juice through a compromised plastic bag. |
“Happy holidays, Col” read the card. America’s inability to man up and save Christmas from the politically correct is officially seeping into the Australian consciousness like putrid garbage juice through a compromised plastic bag. And like that putrid juice soft options like “happy holidays” are making me sick.
Not only that, the present accompanying said card was an Oral B 9000 electric toothbrush and not the new 6’2 small wave egg I was hoping for. You see, my gloriously rich uncle that sent the gift is more often that not my present saviour (he pays cash to my mother who in turn chooses the gift). This is especially true now I have a family of my own and my needs (see: wants) count for exactly squat.
Corey Zeims loving life on the Webber. Photo Smithy
Now, the Oral B 9000 will save me plenty of folding at the dentist, I grant you that – but right now I need a board that will rocket and zing across the so called waves that are embarrassingly killing themselves on Sydney’s shores of late in pure shame. These tiny waves often appear in large numbers and are bunched together like giddy school-girls which at the very least offers go-get-em surfer’s one thing – a high wave count. I can dig this. I can. But, not on my current board, as like John Lennon it wasn’t built for these times.
So, I berate myself for two reasons, A. Not reminding the wife to slyly reaffirm with the mother that it’s a board I want with the cash and not a damn toothbrush, and B. Not logging onto tracksmag.com weeks ago, going directly to the board test, watching the videos of each and every board, reading the reviews and choosing a shaper. From there it’s easy. Make the call order myself a freaken board and wait!
Brett Burcher all over the slop on the DHD. Photo Lee Kelly
Why do I make it so hard? Why didn’t I just sort myself out before it came to this? I’ll tell you why… We men are good at two things, navigating a car through strange terrain and not doing today what we can put off till tomorrow. That’s why so many of us die of some hideous bowl cancer or enlarged prostate. And that’s no laughing matter. That’s how serious I’m approaching this current state of bad-quiver-ill-health. If I don’t get my shit together and order some decent boards ASAP where will it end up? Next thing you know winter will be upon us and I won’t have a semi-gun and then I’ll blink and summer will have come around again and I’m still battling away on an inappropriate board that only goes well in perfectly groomed 3-4 foot waves in Indo!
Perth Standlick scurries into another barrell. Photo Smithy
As funny as this may be for mates and grommets at my local witnessing my feeble attempts to limp this finely tuned reef rider through the shorey of a one foot rip-bowl, the fact remains that it’s a glaring sign of the state of my health as well.
So take my advice, engage your wife, your mum, your trust account lawyer or who ever it is that holds the beans in your life, and tell them you MUST go directly onto tracksmag.com, search through the 20 boards in the test, pick one that best suits your style and order one directly and without hesitation. Because? Because your life depends on it – that’s why. If we don’t do this then what chance have we ever got of taking the time to find a doctor, make an appointment and then man up to visiting said doctor and allowing him to exam our no go area’s without so much as a dance or a couple of drinks first? No chance – that’s exactly right.
So, do your self a solid and order a board before it’s too late. Forget Jane McGrath day, this is buy yourself a board day. Amen to that brothers and sisters.
– By Col Bernasconi
