Today’s lesson is all about long-distance surf-travel, and how to survive the journey and come out the other side as right and as ready as possible to either face six-foot Nokanduis or 10-foot Sunset. These tips and tricks are pretty hard to stick to; if you want a free beer on a flight you’re going to have it, but here’s some good travel advice.

Flying is a serious dehydrator. It’s the altitude that sucks the water out of you, as well as the fact that so many people don’t want to down too much water on a plane because the toilets can become such a chore. If you want to stay half-lucid you need to drink water on the flight. You need to get water from the airhostess, and put it away. You’ll get to the toilet if you have to, but keep drinking to be limber at the destination.

Adding to this, alcohol dehydrates. So if you’re flying long distance you have the dehydration of the altitude, as well as the ETOH dehydration. It’s the perfect storm of drying out. Serious desiccation. If you’re going to drink free piss on a plane understand two things: firstly, we’re not going to judge you, and secondly, you need to put water into your system at some stage. You’re definitely not going to have a glass of water between drinks, as advice given by silly government watchdogs, so if booze is your choice then make sure you can slake water when you wake.    

The golden rule about airplane food is don't eat it. It has extra preservatives, it is usually bread or pasta based, and it’s going to join with your dehydrated colons large and small and form a series of small bricks in your exhaust if you’re lucky. If you’re unlucky then you might end up with compacted stool syndrome, and the only way to get it out is surgery (or you could work it out with a pencil).

Rather eat a big meal in the airport, even if it is a burger, because the restaurants in the airport have a fast turnover and the food will be less processed. It also allows you to make better choices than chicken or beef. Take something like nuts with you on the plane in case you get ravenous, and then eat a good meal on the ground again when you alight.  

When it comes to jetlag, according to Rosy Hodge on a recent WSL webcast there is only one way through it. “Don’t nap,’ reckons Rosy. “Push on through, and try make it to your normal bedtime.”  Caffeine is definitely the best supplement to beating jetlag, and if amphetamine or opiates tempt you, don’t succumb, because the fall-out from either is much worse than simple jetlag. The pain of abstinence is way less than the pain of regret.

Sleeping tablets on a flight is a definite no-no. Deal with your normal sleep cycle, find your circadian rhythm at your destination, and push through, but do not go for Dormonoct or any other generic sleeping tablet. Why? Just Google ‘deep vein thrombosis’ or maybe just read about it here