Every beach has a list of heavy-duty handles for local surfers
While some surfing nicknames are apt, pertinent and pretty cool, primarily when referring to professional surfers, some can be pretty hilarious or cruel. Especially when it comes to your average joe surfer. Many surfers don’t even know their nicknames, and that’s also ok. Having a terrible handle because of the appalling way you surf is something best left not known.
A goofy-footer from my youth, with a super-wide stance combined with a lousy poo-man. So bad that it sometimes appeared that he had a banana up his ring. We used to enjoy his company, and he was a friendly old guy. Whenever he took off we would shout ‘Banana!’ or ‘Bananchu!’ and he would smile, thinking we were cheering him on or something.
Never got to know his real name, but Karate Chop was a legend at a certain point-break on the east coast. The wave had such a gnarly take-off over a massive rock boil, and he would negotiate the take-off with ease, even on the biggest days. He would get to the bottom of the wave. Where any other surfer would start a nice and clean bottom turn, he would begin these really short, hacking turns. They were multiple bottom turns, with each one accompanied by a karate chop movement of his trailing arm. It was incredibly unpleasant on the eyes.
The lowest squatting stance ever seen, Toilet Seat almost touched his board with his arse when he was surfing. So much so that it looked like he was sitting on the toilet. He was a great surfer, and having that low a stance meant that Toilet Seat would make the most ridiculous late take-offs on slabs and he wasn’t shy. He would take off and just kind of sit on his board and make the drop, but when it came to the bottom turn, he would just sit there, on the toilet.
Elvis The Turd
He looked like Elvis Presley, but he had white hair and a weird vibe about him. He stood straight up, knees locked, and always looked a little bewildered. Whenever we shouted “Elvis The Turd!” he would stare at us strangely but never say a word. In fact, we never heard him speak.
A young male surfer, who could rip, but whenever he went for a move would put his limp-wristed hand out as if he was a lady who was presenting her hand to be kissed. No matter how good the manoeuvre, or how much spray, all we could see was a lady, wanting someone to kiss her hand. He was a good looking guy, and a good surfer if truth be told, but when his nickname broke, his reputation at high school, particularly among the girls, was torn asunder.
A big guy, really nice. Gentle soul but quite competitive in the water. Would paddle out with the look of someone really accomplished, with confidence built from years of surfing. He would paddle for a wave, and then things would just get so incredibly ugly so quickly. He would climb up on one knee, then he would clamber up on his feet, but keep both his hands on the deck with his arse in the air for just a few ugly seconds. Then he would right himself, start pumping, and then there were just arms everywhere. It was like he had five arms. Imagine a person being attacked by a swarm of bees and doing his best to swat them off with five arms. Imagine that happening all the way from the start to finish of the wave. Even when he pulled out of a wave and rode off the back, he would continue swatting the bees. Guys would arrive at the beach, watch this monstrous thing happening and would say, fairly gobsmacked, “Fuck, that guys got a horrible style.’
The Man With No Eyes
After many years of surfing with no sunscreen, and no wetsuit hood or surfing hat, this guy’s eyes just started retreating. His eyebrows grew, his eyes just started sinking into his face, and as he got older and gained more weight his eyes sunk even more. On the beach, he would wear mirror sunglasses. A mystery wrapped in an enigma. He was a hardcore surfer and charger, and in our youth, we were absolutely terrified of The Man With No Eyes.
The Neighing Horse
The head movements of this guy while pumping down the line resembled a horse, neighing. When we used to watch training videos, we would all make soft, guttural neighing sounds whenever we watched him surf. A quiet room, with a video going, and the whole room except one starts neighing whenever he takes off. Brutal.
Know of any funny surfing names? Leave them in the comments.