In a world-first, a professional surfer and his partner have given birth to a child. While the world’s current population, give or take a pandemic or two, currently at 7.8 billion with a further 130,000 million babies added each year, going off the professional surfer's social media page it seems this however was the first-ever human born in existence, ever. 
 
The signs, of course, were there. The three month Instagram pregnancy announcement was made with a portrait of the two, mother bikini-clad of course, on a palm-fringed beach at sunset with both sets of parents-to-be cradling the then non-existent bump. 
 
Over the course of the next six months we were treated to various stylized portraits of the mother-to-be as the baby expanded in her womb. The term “Mumma Bear” and “Dadda Bear” were introduced in these posts despite the fact that both surfers were neither a Mumma, Dadda, or a bear. 
 
Eventually, in a total shock the world’s first baby did eventually turn up. The pro surfer and now father, aka Daddy Bear, proclaimed that his partner was “the strongest, most brave and resilient woman that has ever lived.” He also said that he was in awe of the woman and that he will never, ever again question any pain that he has either gone through or will go through. And let’s not forget this is a man who had withstood a two-wave hold down at Teahupoo. 
 
The proud parents seem to have forgotten that half the world is divided into people that have already had children and those that haven’t. The former don’t find having children as particularly noteworthy, while the latter don’t really give a fuck about those that do. 
 
The proud parents also seem to have failed to register that their success was based on an exceptional level of surfing talent that no one else has. Not the bog-standard human ability to conceive a child, something that most of the population is born with. 
 
Of course, that hasn’t stopped the over-sharenting. In only the first six months of the baby’s life, there has been a non-stop feed of recordings of the first time his feet dangled in the ocean, the first time he lay on a surfboard, first outside shower, shit in a potty, pre-heat kiss on the forehead and, of course, his first post-heat interview with Rosie. In a surprising twist, Rosie asked the professional surfer, “How has life changed after becoming a father?” Weirdly he said it had given him perspective and that now he's not just surfing for himself. 
 
It’s unclear how the world’s first-ever baby will continue to develop, though we will surely be able to monitor its progress if the current level of social media interest continues. Stay tuned folks.