Claiming
In an ideal world the planet’s oceans should be free of the claim. Now I’m pretty sure the ancient Hawaiian Kings claimed a wave or two, but even if they were riding a 10 foot wave on a 16 foot balsa gun whilst simultaneously deflowering a nude virgin, it doesn’t make it right. Of course competitive surfing has played its part, with scores of young Brazilians now spending as much time practicing their claims as their inverted grabs. Mind you it’s not their fault, if you watch a ten foot day of Pipeline, you’ll see more claims than the NRMA head office. For us every day punters though, the claim is an ostentatious display of egomania. It shouldn’t be in anyone’s quiver, and has no real advantage, other making you look like a bit of a tool.
Odd Numbers
Oddly, or not, there’s a a set of ill defined and illogical rules around surfing and the use odd numbers. By being ignorant of these rules, or by flouting them, you can move yourself into the kook zone quicker than paddling out in a full lycra sun suit and yelling cowabunga after every duckdive. The main problems revolve around calling the size of the surf. From one to six foot, odd numbers are both acceptable and necessary. However it when the waves pass the mythical six foot mark that odd numbers should be avoided. There is perhaps no better way to showcase your lack of cred than by describing the surf as “7 foot and pumping.” And if you push further and suggest you saw or caught, a 9 foot wave, it might just be a better idea to well go to a tattooist and have kook tattooed on your forehead. In fact the only acceptable use for an odd number is when the surf hits 15 foot, by which stage it’s fine just call it huge and stay well away.
Fins First
Who’d have thought that the simply carrying of a surfboard could contain so many no-no’s, pitfalls and potential fuck ups? But yes, even before you hit the water, it’s easy to commit a few cardinal surfing sins. Carrying your board fins first is the most common mistake, closely followed by having the waxy deck against your body. Now these transgressions may seem minor, but to not do them is unnatural. And like sex with dwarfs or masturbating over dead donkeys, unnatural isn’t always good. Escalating from those bloopers is the carrying your board on your head, something that only groms under 10 and surfers from the 1950s can get away with. Finally if you are ever caught doing the lover’s shuffle, carrying two boards under each arm with your girlfriend at the back, you should be condemned to a life of bodyboarding after having your legs being bitten off by a shark.
The Rock Jump
See a rock, jump off it, paddle out, catch a wave, simple huh? Yet there’s a minefield of fuck ups and surfing no-no’s that should be adhered to before your feet leave the sedimentary. First off you should always take on the rock jump, even if a safer yet longer paddle option exists. Sure you might risk breaking an ankle or putting your chin through a barnacle encrusted cheese grater, but the credibility is worth it. Once completed and on the inside (unless its the Superbank where anything goes) you must then resist every urge to take off on the first set. Protocol demands you let at least one set through before taking your rightful place.
And The Rest
And of course we’ve just scratched the surface of surfing’s no-no’s. There’s Instagraming the beach you’re at when it’s firing, putting sponsors stickers on your board when you’re not sponsored (especially if you just work for the company), pink zinc, surfing in speedos (unless you are Gerry Lopez at G-Land), neoprene boardshorts (unless you are Martin Potter and its 1990), blowing up photos of yourself surfing to hang on the wall and getting a surf brand logo tattoo. In fact these days it’s so hard not to break any rules when you go for a surf, you are probably better off not surfing at all.
