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Surfing 101

An idiosyncratic collection of miscellaneous things the average surfer should know.
An idiosyncratic collection of miscellaneous things the average surfer should know.

1. A fellow surfer on a good wave with a good section in front of them should be unreservedly hooted, even if you have never laid eyes on them before.

2. A surfer on a good wave with a good section in front of them should NEVER EVER hoot himself/herself.

3. Every driveway is a “wave” to be surfed, either in mind or on skateboard (or even in car).

4. Every remotely sloping area of concrete or bitumen is a “wave” to be surfed, either in mind or on skateboard (or even in car).

5. Every area with an overhanging tree, branch or any overhead material with a specific exit point is a “barrel”.

Joe Hadden in a hoot worthy green room. Photo Sparksy

6. Upon arrival at any beach, a surfer will immediately assess the spot’s possibility of hosting a wave, regardless of whether it is 1000 miles from the open ocean or on Hawaii’s North Shore.

7. Every surfer should own at least one good flanno shirt.

8. Any girl who has a genuine dig in the surf – whether it’s one foot or 10 foot – will be appreciated by 98 percent of blokes in the water.

9. The remaining two percent are insecure fools.

10. The bloke with the beard, wearing an all-black wetsuit, riding an un-stickered board who sits the furthest out the back and picks the eyes from every set should not be approached.

Technically she’s over thirteen but she’s also hot and surfs better than you, Alana Blanchard. Photo Hoffman.

11. Re. above: under any circumstances.

12. If the bloke with the beard, wearing and all-black wetsuit, riding an un-stickered board who sits the furthest out the back and picks the eyes from every set says g’day to you, say it back. Quickly.

13. Re. above: under all circumstances.

14. If the bloke with the beard, wearing and all-black wetsuit, riding an un-stickered board who sits the furthest out the back and picks the eyes from every set hoots you into a wave, ferchrissakes, don’t blow it.

15. Re. above: under any circumstances.

16. The bottom turn is the king of turns. Full stop

17. Five years at any location does not make you a local – there will always be someone who has been there longer, maybe all their lives.

18. Anyone who has been living and surfing at a beach for even just one minute longer than you should be accorded due respect.

19. If you’re a non-local and a local gives you a gob-full for a misdemeanour, cop it on the chin and learn from it, never ark up.

“Five years! That’s nothin, I’ve lived here for six – now beat it ya blow in!” Tracks Archives

20. Simon Anderson should be knighted.

21. Wayne Lynch should be knighted.

22. Rodney Dahlberg, Gunther Rohn, Jim Banks, Jason Stephenson and all the other grubby dust-sprayed shapers who have been the unsung heroes of Australian surfing for years should be knighted.

23. Coastal town cake shops are hallowed ground.

24. Bodyboard and mal riders have the same right to use the ocean as everyone else.

25. Be that as it may, bodyboard and mal riders are to be dropped in on mercilessly.

26. The genre of “surf music” is embarrassing to all concerned.

27. The internet is useful to get a general idea of a surf forecast but trust your own instincts always – isobars are your friend.

A young Tim Baker plays the first ever surfing game while waiting for online surf reports to kick in. Tracks archives

28. When people ask, “So who is the best surfer EVER?” you only need one word: “Slater”

29. When people ask, “So who is the best surfer you’ve ever SEEN?”, you will more than likely say something along the lines of “The bloke with the beard, who wore an all-black wetsuit and rode an un-stickered board who always sat the furthest out the back and picked the eyes from every set.” Ie, some bloke no one has ever heard of but who blew your mind constantly.

30. If you’re asked who the most stylish surfer ever is, you should answer Gerry Lopez or Tom Curren.

31. Crammy did the best cutbacks ever. It’s just a simple fact.

32. Shark stories are scary but even if someone was taken at spot the day before, if it’s 4-6 foot, offshore and barrelling off its head, you will take your chances.

33. Subscribing to a daily email surf report does not constitute having done a surf check or having gone for a surf.

34. If someone casually throws away a cigarette butt within 500km of an ocean, it is your duty to say “hey, you dropped something, pick it up.”

35. If that someone is a 120kg Samoan, say “pick it up please“.

36. A van trip down through France, Spain, Portugal and into Morocco isn’t the height of adventure travel but it is a surfer’s duty to undertake such a trip at least once in their lives.

37. The surf always looks bigger from above.

38 Whatever destination you are flying in to, if there is a coastline visible it will always look like there are waves breaking on it. Always.

39. On every flight there will be at least one hot hostie.

40. That one hot hostie will have seen your scruffy surfer type before and know every one of the tricks you employ to perve on her and either (a) shut you down mercilessly or (b) give you the name of her stopover hotel in Singapore.

41. On every flight there will be at least one hostie who looks like the fake-tanned boilers as a grommet you used to run away from late at night at your local nightclub.

42. This bottle blonde leatherface will have seen your scruffy surfer type before and know every trick to MAKE you perve on her and either (a) give you the name of her stopover hotel in Singapore or (b) give you the name of her stopover hotel in Singapore and specific room number.

43. Why doesn’t wax smell like strawberry anymore?

44. A secret spot is only as good as our collective ability not to talk it up.

45. New Zealand is home to more secret spots than you can poke a moko at.

46. The surfers who head south for a surf trip and those who head north or two distinctly different breeds.

47. Tom Carroll’s ridiculous hack at maxing out Pipeline years ago should be commemorated with a public holiday … Tom Carroll Pipeline Hack Day, held sometime during the Hawaiian winter.

A Tommy Carroll hack from below. Still sick. Photo Smithy

48. Every hire car is a four-wheel drive, even two-door hatchbacks.

49. It is a truth universally acknowledged that it is physically impossible to put too many boards on soft racks on top of a hire car. The higher the better.

50. Never ever let a Brazilian or a Portuguese drive you anywhere. Terrifying.

51. There are now 13-year-old girls on the pro tour who surf better than most blokes – it’s time to face facts.

52. When you go the cafe above the harbour at Mundaka to ostensibly have a coffee but in reality just want to use the brasco, try not to unload three weeks worth of tortilla in the process. It’s a small cafe and things can get very whiffy.

53. In the nearby Basque town of Guernica, don’t take a leak in the vacant lot just before the turn-off to Mundaka – it’s part of the local police compound and whilst dimly lit, has fully operational cameras peering down on you.

54. And whilst in that part of the world, at some stage in every male surfer’s life it is their duty to kiss a Basque girl.

Paddle power at its finest. Photo Quiksilver

55. In mixed company, the words “Four” and “Floors” and “in Singapore” together mean absolutely nothing.

56. In Bali, if you think of a crazy stunt involving a bottle of arak, a motorbike and three Swedish girls, you can guarantee it’s been done before and it’s gonna get ugly. “Hello mercurochrome, I’ve been to Bali too”.

57. The English word “fragile” translates into every foreign language as “please place under the heaviest luggage you can find and handle like a ragdoll at every opportunity.”

58. The “Three Ps” are the most vital information required in surfing … “Position, Patience and Paddling”…

59. “Position” … watch the surf for a while and see where the best position to sit for the sets is.

60. “Patience” … if you’ve watched the surf long enough you’ll know that the sets are coming at such-and-such intervals. Be patient and wait for them.

61. “Paddling” … when those sets come, be prepared to paddle your guts out to get one of the bloody things, lest the other blokes who have been watching you sit apparently “out of position” think you’re a clueless goose.

62. Bondi’s Dave Byron did not invent the “three Ps” as he as has told everyone from the North Coast to the North Shore.

63. I did!

Mediocre mal dude at Crescent Head and mad hui Mark Occhilupo at Jefferys Bay.

64. Leave Crescent Head for mals. It’s a great wave, but it’s the surfing version of a retirement village and the old folks need to have some fun on their own.

65. A moustache does not make you surf better.

66. Ditto tattoos.

One does not equal the other.

67. Ditto dreadlocks.

68. At a new beach, never be unfriendly, never be too friendly, at least at first.

69. Never say “nah it’s too cold”.
70. Avoid going over the falls at Duranbah and landing on Rabbit Bartholemew. Trust me.

71. Always fold the leg of your steamer over your leggie strap not under.

72. It may come as a shock but every thief knows to look in the suspension for your car key. Take it with you.

73. No matter how tempting, don’t ride a new board until it’s cured.

74. Don’t colour coordinate your board with your wettie unless both are black.

75. Avoid using the word “dude”.

76. Drop lines from “Big Wednesday” into everyday conversation.

The three wise men from Big Wednesday.

77. Don’t wear hair product to the beach.

78. Don’t talk about property values or the stock market in the surf.

79. Do talk about rugby league/AFL, music, cricket or food. (eg. “Mate I am dying for a toasted sanga and a cuppa, then I’m gonna watch the Roosters get beaten again”.).

80. Never surf just in Speedos (unless you are Dave Byron).

81. If you pull a swimmer out of a rip, know for certain that your board will get covered in coconut oil and accept that your surf is over.

82. A snake is worse than a drop-in. Don’t do it.

83. Never “claim” a barrel. Look casual, and after coming out do a massive cuttie.

85. Avoid wearing beads. Ever.

86. In the city, nine outta 10 times you will have a better surf on an onshore day. It’s all about attitude. No crowd, low expectation, plenty of sections.

87. Never tell people you surf in casual conversation unless you want to (a) be bored by their stories of learning to surf with a surf school or (b) be asked if you will teach them to surf.

88. Anyone who doesn’t surf in the colder months cannot claim to be a surfer.

89. If you can, make sure you always have a dry wettie in winter for the second surf.

90. Don’t commit to a weekend away with your girl in the mountains until you’ve checked the swell forecast.

91. Occy’s backhand surfing at Bells and Jefferies is what all backhand surfing is judged against.

92. If there is only one bloke in the surf on a deserted beach DO NOT paddle out and sit next of him!

93. Surfboards should not be used in car, cereal or bank etc advertisements to sell product.

94. If you can’t body surf, LEARN! Good surfers can all body surf well.

95. If it’s gonna be 6ft and offshore tomorrow don’t get pissed tonight; there’s plenty of flat days to go out and get rotten.

96. “Happy endings” in Indo can haunt you.

97. If you can fit your boards in your car, do so. You don’t need to advertise you are a surfer by having them on the roof or, even worse, in the passenger seat of a convertible BMW.

98. Always, ALWAYS paddle towards the inside/whitewash when a surfer approaching on a wave is heading towards the open face – possibly the single biggest sign of an inexperienced surfer is to head towards the face.

99. When stung by a bluebottle, don’t scream, just cop it. Screaming is for shark attacks only.

100. Unless you are Dave Rastovich, everyone is laughing at you if you attempt to ride a board that looks like a chunk of wood hacked from an old door but is a big hit in the cafes of Bondi.

Rasta running a straight line woodwork style.

And finally, 101. Never listen to anyone’s rules…

– By Adam Gibson

Note: Think there are rules missing? Then add your own rule to the list by commenting here…

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Your portal to cultural events happening in and around the surfing sphere.
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